Creativity is good for the soul

Last night in the midst of all we have going on I participated in a virtual painting class with some friends from church! It was absolutely amazing and I even had hubby painting:) but it wasn’t until I was covered in paint and almost done with my picture that I realized something… I wasn’t joyful like I usually am. Maybe it was because midway through that I had to stop to nurse my youngest or that baby brother woke up with night terrors but I think it was more than that… in fact I know it was..

You see while I was cleaning up , my chest was tight and I realized I was having an anxiety attack! But why?! I just couldn’t understand I should feel relaxed and peaceful but all I felt was on the verge of a breakdown…. my life is full of chaos right now but I thought I was handling it.. we had court this week for the twins and that was overwhelming and big changes are happening… we are trying to PCS but hubby’s orders weren’t put in correctly and even though we know we are moving this summer and know where we are going , there is a lot of stress around it… we are trying to sell a house and trying to buy another one… I haven’t seen my brother in months due to him being at basic training and A school… I miss church , mops and friends that we aren’t able to see because of the quarantine… I’m trying hard to build my business and I see so many people succeeding and I’m drowning …. and on top of it all I’m almost 5 months postpartum and my depression is not too good right now.. but again I thought I was ok and that I had a grip on it all..

I can’t talk to anyone about it because no one really understands and they just pity me and we are in the midst of a stupid quarantine that is definitely not helping my mental health… so this morning I stopped I breathed and drank coffee and prayed . I don’t know why we as humans we think we can do it all but once I shared and cried my heart out , I felt Gods peace come over me . So today is going to be different I’m going to stop overthinking and over stressing every little thing. I’m going to have grace with myself like I strive to do for everyone else!

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Attacks of the enemy

It’s currently 2:48 am and anyone with littles knows I’m awake for a couple reasons.. either the babies aren’t sleeping or someone is sick. Yep you guessed it.. my little man has a tummy ache. This is the first time in his 3 years he’s ever thrown up and if it was a normal night I wouldn’t be think too much of it but tomorrow well actually later today haha… is court for the twins.

Second permanency hearing where they may change goal to non-relative adoption with the possibility that if mom finishes her things she could get them back.. my heart has already been so conflicted about this because we love them so much and it’s like a dangling carrot that we may never be able to have and that hurts but honestly we are praying so hard that Gods will be done and they end up in a stable loving safe home! That’s the most important thing even if it means our hearts get broken in the process.. and our prayer is also that everything be decided soon so that the babies don’t stay in the system forever waiting on mom to complete those last few things…

Oh and the new attorney is supposed to come by in the morning before court to meet us… yay first impression sick family… and the twins allergies are so bad baby boy has had some nasty diapers which I thought was due to drainage but maybe he has a had the stomach bug too… hmm maybe not tho cause he’s still had plenty of an appetite and the only issue is his tushy is really sore.. sorry my mom brain is rambling tonight!

It’s crazy to me how when there are important things going on and you’ve been taking all of this to prayer that the enemy comes in and wrecks havoc! But I am declaring that he will not defeat me! I will keep my eyes on my Heavenly Father! I will praise Him for the last 9 months with the twins! Praise Him for us not having had a stomach bug before now! Praise Him that our new baby hasn’t been born yet and can’t get sick from this! Praise Him that I’m almost 37 weeks with our surprise miracle baby! Praise Him that the night little man gets sick Disney plus launches and we can watch the Lion King! Praise Him for essential oils to help us get better and hopefully avoid getting the little ones sick!! So many things to be thankful for.. it would be so easy to focus on the negative but I’m choosing to focus on our blessings instead!

Prayers for our day for healing and for the judge to make a good decision today that will help move the twins towards permanency in whatever that’s supposed to look like!

7 months

This week the twins hit 7 months and in two weeks that means that’s how long they have lived with us.. it’s been amazing, challenging, fulfilling and exhausting lol but I wouldn’t change a thing. Well maybe one thing.. having a maid to keep the house clean,do the laundry and cooking would have been so helpful haha!

Tonight is one of those rough times that I would love to have a second me for. Little man and both babies have been up which means a whole lot of juggling to get everyone back down. I’ve been up since 2:15 and it’s 3:32 and baby girl isn’t too interested in going back to sleep. As I rock and feed her I’m reflecting on everything we’ve been through… where we are at… and what’s still to come…

Foster care isn’t easy.. in fact it’s one of the hardest things we’ve ever done. The system is broken a lot of the time and the kids get hurt.. that’s not say every case is like that but I have seen our kids, these sweet babies, already negatively affected. Their case has been all over the place which had caused us a whiplash of emotions as well. One minute they are looking at family members to take them.. then they aren’t qualified to take them.. mom is popping positive on drug tests then she is going to the court appointed rehab and seems to be doing good.. we have lost caseworkers who believed the babies would be adoptable in the end to having some that don’t seem to be on our side.. the twins have had bad reactions to almost every visitation.. not only do they fuss and cry the majority of the two hours they are at visitation but then they come home and are not themselves for days.. DAYS… baby boy wants to be cuddled and held consistently when he is normally so easy going and happy and baby girl screams and acts angry for days… it’s extremely hard on everyone involved and my momma heart hurts so bad for them not being able to do much to help them through this. I douse them in oils, cuddle , sing and pray.. lots of prayers over them and that does seem to help them some!

And now they have given mom another day with an extra two hours a week to help them bond.. I get it I really do but what’s so hard is seeing the reactions on this side.. I don’t know that we will get to adopt them now.. my hope in that is wavering and I know what you are thinking ” Doesn’t she know what the purpose of foster care is?” I do! And I want reunification if that’s the best thing for the kids! I also don’t want them to get hurt or be put back in the system. And to make matters worse is that we move (PCS) next summer and if they go back in the system and we aren’t here they won’t call us… so they will end up with another family and that is heartbreaking!

I’m praying that Gods will be done and trying to fully trust in Him because I know that He sees the greater picture and He knows exactly what these babies need, even if that’s not us… foster care is so much more than I ever realized. It’s more than just taking care of someone else’s kid(s). It’s becoming mom/dad/family to these children and falling in love with them and spending a good almost year of your life investing everything into them only to very possibly, very realistically having them go away. But the other part of foster care that I didn’t expect was the interaction with the biofamily. That’s hard too… they start off so thankful and as time goes on start to resent you and make you feel very uncomfortable.. I’ve had days that I’m at my lowest and I get frustrated (not directly at them but I share it with my family) and then God moves and my heart is broken because I know and I now see the other ministry that I am to be doing… and that is showing Gods love to the biofamily, that they see Him in me taking care of their babies..

dang why is that ministry so hard? It’s so much easier to feel frustrated with why the babies ended up in the system and to feel like these are my babies and that she doesn’t deserve to have back.. yes I know I’m horrible for having had these thoughts and feelings. But I’m so glad that my eyes have been opened to the bigger picture because everyone regardless of what they have done deserve love , deserve a second chance and deserve Jesus! And every time I start to feel those feelings bubble up I pray that the Spirit speak louder than the enemy. These thoughts that bring us down to a level we shouldn’t be at are because we are not staying focused on God and His word and we are allowing the enemy to speak lies to us and worse than that we are believing those lies!

My heart will shatter to see them go.. to see my little man hurt and ask where brother and sister went… to see the empty back seat of my minivan .. to not be with them on their birthday and to miss every milestone while they grow up but I’m making the most of the time I have now with them. We should have them until December/January and I’m going to continue to pour all I can into them and love them unconditionally and without reserve! God placed them with us for a reason and maybe it was to help heal my heart after our losses last year.. maybe it was to show me how much I’m needed to other babies that aren’t biologically mine.. and maybe it was to light a fire in my soul to help the system in some way. I’m thinking about becoming a social worker when my kids are bigger and I have time to actually work.

Oh yeah did I forget to mention that I’m 25 weeks pregnant with another little boy? Haha last year we lost three babies and this year we have gained three babies! God is so good! But more on that and on my pregnancy next blog post! 😘

The first few months

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Hey guys! Once again I have failed at staying on top of my blogging and once again I’m so sorry! Our life has been so crazy since my last post and so much has changed in fact here I sit here rocking and feeding sweet baby boy. But Im getting ahead of myself let me tell you all about it!

We became licensed on a Tuesday early in February ..so pumped and nervous having all the feels for what the future could hold. Wednesday afternoon I was loading up my little man into the car after being at the park when I got a call from our caseworker! She said there was a set of twins.. a boy/girl that were being released from the NICU tomorrow that were 18 days old and would we be interested. They are drug exposed and having withdrawals she said and that’s all we knew. I immediately felt it was right but told her I needed to call my hubby to check and see what he thought.

I called hubby up and I barely got the words out when he said call her back “let’s go get those babies! ” We went to the hospital the next day around 10:30 ( I had to work up until time and thought I was going to go insane waiting haha) . We met with the caseworker and with the cps workers and are sitting in the waiting room signing papers which will allow these precious little ones to come home with us! Cps brought us some supplies that had been donated and brought them new car seats because the ones mom brought weren’t in good shape. And then the moment our lives changed forever happened… these precious nurses came out carrying these car seats that looked like they had miniature baby dolls in them and the moment I saw them I loved them. The nurses told us how much they loved these babies and that baby boy is a little old man that is super laid back and baby girl is little miss drama queen (both of these things are still very much true today haha!

We were so blessed to have amazing family and friends bring us food and clothes, diapers and wipes, extra swings a double stroller base for car seats. So many things I didn’t even think about that we needed because we had baby things saved from little man… haha but so many things you need two of and some you just want lol.

The first couple months were kind of a blur as we tried to navigate this unexplored territory. Lots of sleepless nights.. lots of learning curves. I had never used formula before so making what felt like 100 bottles a day was absolutely crazy. I slept on an air mattress in the twins nursery for the first few months because they were so tiny I was scared to leave them.. plus they were up every 2-3 hours and i was trying to keep hubby from being as exhausted as I was. So many hard things during this time that I want to cry looking back at where we came from. Withdrawl in newborns is one of the most terrifying thing ever. Baby boy had the tremors the worst and was extremely stiff . The tremors were like mini seizures, his little body would shake and we would just hold him and love on him. Baby girl had some but she mostly struggled with being touched. I would have to talk her through everything I did before I did it. ” Here we go I’m going to change your diaper” or “lets get you into some clean clothes” Bath time was a nightmare for both of them because they hated the feeling of water and wet wash clothes on their skin. Everything I did for months was trying to figure out what they liked and what they hated haha. Baby boy loved being cuddled from the beginning and was pretty easy other than his inability to keep formula down… Oh my word it was horrible. One minute you are feeding this little bit of nothing and the next thing I knew it was shooting out his mouth and nose and he would shake horribly. It was absolutely terrifying. Baby girl and I had to work up to cuddling though.. The doctors and therapists said to do skin to skin with her and that looking back helped so much but in the moment was so hard on both of us. She would scream in pain and i would cry.

I kept crying out to God knowing He was the one i would get my strength from. I prayed over the babies many many times a day and night and sang lots of worship music to them. I truly believe that in everything the only reason I made it through was because of my heavenly Father.

All through this our little man was adjusting. The first few days were the hardest for him and after we struggled with some jealousy. But oh my goodness he fell so hard in love with ‘Brother’ and ‘Sister’ and couldn’t get enough of them. I was constantly stressed that he would squish them because he always wanted to hug and love on them and he would ask to hold them every chance he got. I am so proud of that little guy. It couldn’t have worked out more perfectly.

Before we even became licensed I would pray at night with little man and we would pray for the babies that God would bring to us.. I think this helped him prepare for this new change that we didn’t even realize was going to happen.

There are so many little details that keep flooding my mind as I write this but I also know this post would go on forever and ever if I didn’t try to come to an end. I will make another post soon to continue the journey. I am still several months behind in our story with these babies and look forward to sharing with y’all. If you have ever fostered twins or had a placement since birth up until mom possibly getting them back please share your story with me and your advice.

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Joy comes in the morning

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Hello my readers.. I am so sorry once again that I have not been present on here. I took some time to just be with family and really focus on healing after the crazy year we’ve had. I am so blessed to have such an amazing support system both with my family and friends that I don’t think I would be who I am today or where I’m at in my process that I am. Miscarriages are extremely hard..they are brutal…thwy take a toll on not just your physical health but also your mental and spiritual health. I was in a really dark place where honestly I spent a lot of time watching tv and sitting in the floor watching my two and half-year old play with his toys. I’m not sure who all reads my posts but if you have been or are going through this I promise it will get better. And its ok to feel all the feelings and to let yourself go but don’t forget to get back up!

God has been so good to me and never left me and He is there for you too! I have come to this amazing place where I’m ok not having another baby right now and I’m ok if I can’t get pregnant and carry another baby to term. I have been so blessed to have my little miracle boy and I know I am called for much more than what I originally believed. All my life I believed this little truth that I was to be a mom but what I am just now seeing is that God has a much a bigger plan for me. And I am so excited about this journey. I have mentioned how adoption has been on our hearts since the beginning of our relationship but what i didn’t anticipate was Fostering/fostering to adopt. In fact I was firm against it for a long time.

Heres a little back story… Easter we went to a family gathering of my husband’s side and his cousin who had adopted from the foster care system was there and we visited with her. She gave us a look into how it was and all that came with it and my husband was intrigued.. I on the other hand was scared to death… I knew there was a need but my fear was so crippling that was all I could see. I kept saying the lies the enemy was feeding me keeping me from obeying the call. “I couldn’t do that love on a kid and then give them back” “I would get too attached ” and so many more.. But when God has called you to do something He will not let it go lol! All was quiet for a while and I thought my firm no was all there was to it. Then July I miscarried my second and then August came another one which due to it being an ectopic and it leaving a mass in my left fallopian tube I had to have surgery.. Things were really hard and I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to get pregnant again because of my fear. And then I had a dream.

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I know you are probably thinking I am crazy and I would too if it this wasn’t my story lol.. In my dream was three dreams (almost like I woke up between each one) and in each one I would go out to my car and in the backseat /back trunk area was a baby or toddler with a note saying “Please find me a good home”. I woke up feeling heartbroken over the situations but also feeling inspired but I couldn’t understand. I thought maybe it was because I never got to meet my three little angel babies but I soon realized it was so much more than that. I was praying and asking for clarity and my eyes were opened to the dire need in our country for children to have loving homes. And I knew without a doubt that this was what I was called to. I sat my hubby down and brought everything to his attention and guess what guys?!? He was feeling the same thing and had been thinking foster care was the route we were supposed to go but he didn’t want to bring it up because I had been so fragile.

God is so good. His timing is so perfect! I am still shocked at how blind I was to what God wanted for us. My mother in law has said on many occasions that I was meant to be a mother of many and I had a friend recently say almost the exact same thing and now it has so much more meaning!!

 

We are so close to being finalized and active in the system to welcome a placement. We have finished all our training and home visits and will be signing this week!! We are opening up our home to 2 & under and are willing to take a sibling pair. I would love to connect with other foster parents for the good the bad and the ugly of it all.

Please join us in this exciting adventure and pray for our family as we trust God and jump into to this amazing new adventure!

Here we go again

Hello dear readers. Its been awhile again and I’m sorry… Id like to think it will get better but life happens. I am currently on bedrest til my doctors appointment tomorrow but i will tell you more about that in a minute. So end of May we did a round of Provera and Clomid. We got pregnant but I miscarried again on July 8… I didn’t really mourn that one because I was angry. So angry at everything. I never thought it would happen to begin with but for sure not twice.. I had to put on my big girl panties and focus on my little man because the next week was his 2nd birthday and then the weekend after that was his party. I got a referral from my PCM to go to San Antonio military medical facility to see a specialist for infertility and endocrinology which was super amazing because they told me originally that the wait list was long so not to expect to get in for at least 6 months. But praise Jesus they got me in the first week of August!! I was so excited! We drove the 4 hours there with my 2 year old and my almost 11 year old brother (who was staying with us for the weekend) They ran lots of blood work and did an ultrasound. They also sent us home with orders to get other testing done. Mine is the HSG which I’ve had before but they think I might have scarring or endometriosis that has grown up preventing me from staying pregnant. They are also concerned that i may have some blockage in my tubes. Which brings me to this past weekend. I started spotting and immediately I’m concerned. Normal women would just think that its their period coming but thats not my normal so i took a pregnancy test because i had been feeling off… It was positive. I knew i was miscarrying again so i just went about my business. I volunteered at the food and clothing pantry with my church and then went to a birthday party of one of my 2 year olds friends. Saturday night was horrible. Lots of cramping and bleeding and clots and tissue… I knew for sure it was happening. Sunday comes and I’m still having all the symptoms but i still went on with normal things. Church and then a fall festival. Monday morning I called my doctor and told them what was going on. Since I was still bleeding they sent me to the ER which i was irritated by.. I was frustrated thinking there was nothing they could do to help me… They ran blood work and did an ultrasound and we found out I have an ectopic pregancy…. I was shocked. Its in my left fallopian tube but it looks like I’m already miscarrying so they gave me a shot to help it pass. I am on bed rest until they make sure it has passed because they don’t want my tube to rupture…if it hasn’t i may have to have surgery…

I am still shocked… It would have been a miracle pregnancy because I ovulated on my own but instead of feeling joy my heart is breaking again.. I just keep asking why and trying to find out answers. Im also trying to focus on leaning on my heavenly Father. I know I’m not alone.. even tho this feels so lonely. I know He isn’t punishing me because thats not His way but i keep wondering what I’ve done wrong. Am i a horrible mom to my 2 year old that He isn’t going to let me have any more babies? I just wish I understood why this is happening…  Praying for clarity and leaning on Christ for my strength because i can’t do this on my own!

Girl wash your face!

Ok guys if you haven’t read this book it’s a must do! This was suggested but my upline in young living and I being the tired momma that I always seem to be knew that there is no way I could get through a book in a good pace anymore so I downloaded audible and have been listening! This book had changed my outlook on life! It is making me take more control of my life and not let it pass me by! And as i write this I’m resting beside my sleeping toddler because my health is important! So many times I would bust my butt to get stuff done during nap time only to feel horrible when he woke up and I would have little to no energy to run and chase and read all the books his little hands bring to me! I’ve decided it’s important that I rest even if I don’t sleep just to recharge me so I am able to be the best momma I can be for my little man! The last couple days have been lazy days because I’m crazy nauseous and cramping a lot to the point it’s hard for me to get up and do things. This “lazy” feeling I have because I needed the rest makes it so hard for me to be ok to lay here and write and look at Instagram and dream of the future.. all because I know there is a mountain of laundry waiting for me and messy floors that need to be swept mopped and vacuumed! Something that has been hard for me to grasp is that I am still me under the wife and mom and house keeper uniforms there is a me! And it’s just as important for me to know that part and to pour into that as it is to do any of my other responsibilities! But i do know that I won’t be and haven’t been the best wife, mother or house keeper that I could be because I’ve let me fall through the cracks! Ladies we need to take time to figure out who we are and who God wants us to be! Because we are so much more than what meets the eye!! So let’s take control of our lives today! Because we only have one life to live and I want to leave a legacy how bout y’all?

P.s. the picture at the top I took on a mission trip to New Zealand which will forever be one of my favorite places on earth!!!

Long couple months

I’m sorry that I haven’t been writing in a while.. my life seems to have gotten crazier over the last couple months and my blog slipped through the cracks unfortunately. Here’s a recap on what’s been going on with me.

My great grandfather (pawpaw) was hospitalized and his dementia got so much worse.. that week was the worst I’ve had probably ever because he didn’t know any of us and was angry all the time.. he’s doing better now but we had to put him in a nursing home. He still has bad days but his pt is going well and some days he’s more with it than others.. my great grandmother (nanny) still lives in their home and can only go see him like once a week.. so that’s been extremely hard on both of them:( we have family fighting for their name in the will and my dad is struggling to take care of everyone. I just wish this awful thing didn’t exist.. I hate dementia.. I hate seeing the strong incredible man that I love so much withering away to someone who doesn’t know what’s happening or where he is most of the time.. prayers for our family and of anyone had any words of advice for us during this time please send them to us!

We are still trying for baby number two or would it be weird to call it baby number 3 because in my heart I have another baby that I just haven’t met yet… I did a round of provera and clomid and now am waiting to see if it worked. None of the ovulation strips showed anything except a faint line(which the box says is negative..) today was the day (according to a due date calculator) that I might get a positive test.. I didnt tho:(( praying it’s just too early and maybe in a couple weeks it will be bfp!! I’m super hopeful especially since I have lost 22 pounds since my miscarriage!!:)) that’s huge for me since my pcos /hormone issues have prevented me from losing any weight!!

I’m still working hard trying to build my business! If any young living business friends or network marketing friends have any tips please help me!! My circle is so small and I don’t know where to go from here. I am super excited about some new things coming out from young living that I will share about soon and I’m so ready for next years convention!

Toddler life is an interesting roller coaster and every day is bringing me new challenges! We are going through a picky food stage and a clingy stage. But little man is so adventurous and is learning so much he starting to talk more and I’m so excited about the future!:) he turns two next month and we are doing a dinosaur themed party and I’m attempting to make cute sugar cookies! I will blog about how it all turns out!:)

I have this desire to garden but I seem to kill everything I touch.. is there such a thing as having a black thumb? Lol I’m going to start over again here soon with an indoor potted garden! Maybe I won’t kill them that way lol!!

Anyways til next time 🙂 I will work on writing more 🙂

Shame

Hello my dear readers… Again I am sorry for not writing in so long.. I have honestly been struggling with shame and feel embarrassed about the things going on in my life and I have not wanted to be transparent like I promised to be. Here it goes tho.. My pain due to endometriosis got so bad I went back to the doctor.. They have put me on Metformin and they induced a cycle to get me going in the right direction to go back on birth control. I have so many feelings about this and it’s hard to figure out if i am doing the right thing. I really want to be all natural and not rely on medication for anything but I am also aware that there is a time and a place for it. And this was my time.I am still using the oils to maintain my hormones with my PCOS . I don’t plan on being on them for more than 4 months but as optimistic as i am about getting off of them I have accepted that it could take longer. To be completely real with y’all I just want to be the best mom I can be to my sweet Little Man and I know I can’t do that when I’m in extreme pain…Shame is something kinda difficult to brush off because even if we don’t intend to we are prideful human beings that long for approval. Why is that? I don’t even personally know those reading this blog but I want y’all to like me and want to impress y’all. But here’s the reality of the situation.. That is impossible to do. And as much as I want this approval my focus is wrong. My focus needs to shift back to bringing God glory in all that i do and i truly believe that by trying to be a good wife and mom ;while using meds to get out of pain I’m going to be able to do this.

So if you are reading this and feel disappointed that my journey is going this way I understand but please stick with me because my journey has only begun and it’s definitely got a long ways to go!!

God is really working in mine and my families lives and I am very excited to see what the future holds for us.

Overcoming Pain..

I had every intentions to write for a while but things have just been hard lately. I have been struggling really bad with my depression.. I’ve been so irritable and short with my poor hubby! I feel bad I know I’ve been hard to put up with lately and he’s been so good to me and such a rock! I’ve been in a lot of pain mostly physically but I had a realization this weekend at church that I’m in pain on a deeper level… I’ve been angry and hurt because of my miscarriage and I really thought that I had moved forward and past it but I must have squashed it and tried to not feel… I’m not sure when I will feel like me again and I hate it… my endometriosis cramping has come back with a vengeance and I’m so over it… I go to the doctor in the morning and I’m really struggling with what to do. I’m honestly not sure what I will do yet I’m still praying for God to show me what the best thing for me and my family is!!

I will say despite the pain I had a great morning with my little man! We went to the zoo and chick-fil-a with friends and he ran and laughed and babbled and I loved every minute of it! I love being a momma and my goal to get pregnant again I’m putting on hold for now to focus on getting healthy and out of pain and to be able to enjoy life with my little guy! Prayers for my family during this time of uncertainty would be greatly appreciated!

Oh some good news! I made rank in Young Living!! I’m a star! This is a huge accomplishment for me and I’m so excited to be able to share what I’m passionate about and to be able to help my family out not only in health but in financial!! I’m on a great team that is constantly supporting each other! If you have been interested in oils and wanting to see what they can do in your life message me and I will walk you through things and send you a roller!! Also if you are interested in making money to help your family out talk to me and we will get you signed up! Who knew that an investment of less than $200 could change your whole life! To get you away from doctors and prescriptions but also to bring in financial aid to help support you! I know for me everything changed when I joined Young Living and this amazing team I’m on! I’m so excited to see what the future holds!!!