This week the twins hit 7 months and in two weeks that means that’s how long they have lived with us.. it’s been amazing, challenging, fulfilling and exhausting lol but I wouldn’t change a thing. Well maybe one thing.. having a maid to keep the house clean,do the laundry and cooking would have been so helpful haha!
Tonight is one of those rough times that I would love to have a second me for. Little man and both babies have been up which means a whole lot of juggling to get everyone back down. I’ve been up since 2:15 and it’s 3:32 and baby girl isn’t too interested in going back to sleep. As I rock and feed her I’m reflecting on everything we’ve been through… where we are at… and what’s still to come…
Foster care isn’t easy.. in fact it’s one of the hardest things we’ve ever done. The system is broken a lot of the time and the kids get hurt.. that’s not say every case is like that but I have seen our kids, these sweet babies, already negatively affected. Their case has been all over the place which had caused us a whiplash of emotions as well. One minute they are looking at family members to take them.. then they aren’t qualified to take them.. mom is popping positive on drug tests then she is going to the court appointed rehab and seems to be doing good.. we have lost caseworkers who believed the babies would be adoptable in the end to having some that don’t seem to be on our side.. the twins have had bad reactions to almost every visitation.. not only do they fuss and cry the majority of the two hours they are at visitation but then they come home and are not themselves for days.. DAYS… baby boy wants to be cuddled and held consistently when he is normally so easy going and happy and baby girl screams and acts angry for days… it’s extremely hard on everyone involved and my momma heart hurts so bad for them not being able to do much to help them through this. I douse them in oils, cuddle , sing and pray.. lots of prayers over them and that does seem to help them some!
And now they have given mom another day with an extra two hours a week to help them bond.. I get it I really do but what’s so hard is seeing the reactions on this side.. I don’t know that we will get to adopt them now.. my hope in that is wavering and I know what you are thinking ” Doesn’t she know what the purpose of foster care is?” I do! And I want reunification if that’s the best thing for the kids! I also don’t want them to get hurt or be put back in the system. And to make matters worse is that we move (PCS) next summer and if they go back in the system and we aren’t here they won’t call us… so they will end up with another family and that is heartbreaking!
I’m praying that Gods will be done and trying to fully trust in Him because I know that He sees the greater picture and He knows exactly what these babies need, even if that’s not us… foster care is so much more than I ever realized. It’s more than just taking care of someone else’s kid(s). It’s becoming mom/dad/family to these children and falling in love with them and spending a good almost year of your life investing everything into them only to very possibly, very realistically having them go away. But the other part of foster care that I didn’t expect was the interaction with the biofamily. That’s hard too… they start off so thankful and as time goes on start to resent you and make you feel very uncomfortable.. I’ve had days that I’m at my lowest and I get frustrated (not directly at them but I share it with my family) and then God moves and my heart is broken because I know and I now see the other ministry that I am to be doing… and that is showing Gods love to the biofamily, that they see Him in me taking care of their babies..
dang why is that ministry so hard? It’s so much easier to feel frustrated with why the babies ended up in the system and to feel like these are my babies and that she doesn’t deserve to have back.. yes I know I’m horrible for having had these thoughts and feelings. But I’m so glad that my eyes have been opened to the bigger picture because everyone regardless of what they have done deserve love , deserve a second chance and deserve Jesus! And every time I start to feel those feelings bubble up I pray that the Spirit speak louder than the enemy. These thoughts that bring us down to a level we shouldn’t be at are because we are not staying focused on God and His word and we are allowing the enemy to speak lies to us and worse than that we are believing those lies!
My heart will shatter to see them go.. to see my little man hurt and ask where brother and sister went… to see the empty back seat of my minivan .. to not be with them on their birthday and to miss every milestone while they grow up but I’m making the most of the time I have now with them. We should have them until December/January and I’m going to continue to pour all I can into them and love them unconditionally and without reserve! God placed them with us for a reason and maybe it was to help heal my heart after our losses last year.. maybe it was to show me how much I’m needed to other babies that aren’t biologically mine.. and maybe it was to light a fire in my soul to help the system in some way. I’m thinking about becoming a social worker when my kids are bigger and I have time to actually work.
Oh yeah did I forget to mention that I’m 25 weeks pregnant with another little boy? Haha last year we lost three babies and this year we have gained three babies! God is so good! But more on that and on my pregnancy next blog post! 😘